If you are one of "them," you are probably not reading "this" because you cannot "read."

I knew this column was going to be written, I just didn't know when I was going to write it, or what I would be drinking as I would write it. I am writing it now, and drinking a Grape Nehi.

A lot has been written about the crisis in the Middle East. This column has nothing to do with this crisis.

This column is about that girl you met under the most unassuming of circumstances, like in the restroom of Bill Knapp's when her drunken caterwauling was alarming the help. The one you would not have met unless you were the night manager of that very same Bill Knapp's. This is a story everyone can relate to.

The one who was very stupid, and whose stupidity was endearing because you knew you could control her mind and have "her" do your bidding. Sorry, I forgot the quotation marks theme for a "moment". There is no criteria to be one of "them", except matching the qualities of the girl I am talking about. "She" is the type that talks to "you" and suddenly you are stalking "her", in a good and wholesome way. This is a story everyone can relate to. Most of "them" do not possess superficial beauty, although they are all lean and large-breasted. We are frustrated with "them" because they are both stupid and devoutly Catholic. I wish to be stupid and devoutly Catholic, so my frustration is twofold. Also, my frustration is threefold because I am not getting any from "her". They only see good, so they are even dumber, but yet you love them, because they are lean, and large-breasted. Measuring up is futile, you can never be as lean, as Catholic, or as stupid as they are. Don't even try it. Most likely I will never marry one of "them", although I will snap photos of them in the bushes behind their dorms and use them to create fake nudes, which I will post on the "Internet." But I will respect "them", because they respect "me", not withstanding the restraining orders. However, I do have some conspiracy theories considering why I am not getting "any" from "them." I will save them for another column. That was a good Nehi.