by Gary Caruso

Everybody inside the Beltway wants to know what I think about Monica Lewinsky. I have been accomodating the hordes by shouting my opinion loudly at the corner of 14th and K for the past two weeks. However, since oral delivery doesn't count, I will take the print form.

Monica Lewinsky is like one of those Saint Mary's students I used to know in the early '70s, having sick crushes on ND student government leaders and then going to the media. And frankly, I'm sick of it. When will we stop these distractions and let the President get back to scoring more 'tang?

Let us take the time to rise and salute a great president, one who helps electrical workers everywhere find personal fulfillment. (Ed: Mr. Caruso is a representative for the Electrical Workers Union of America.)

God bless you, Mr. President. Maybe you can help get these deadly purple snakes off my body. Aaaahhhh, snakes!

Remember the '70s? Those were fun times. Somebody ought to write an article about them. Do you ever crave a premium quality beer? Perhaps I can interest you in a cold bottle of Coors Light. Coors Brewing Company, Golden, Colorado. Now, I don't want to sound rude, but I wanted ham with my breakfast order, not these bacon bits. God, what are they paying these people for? I'm not the happiest man in the world, but damn it if "For Better Or For Worse" doesn't push the old Caruso HA button! That "Titanic" is one hell of a movie. Karen Bailey from Thousand Oaks, CA writes: "Dear Gary Caruso News: I've been a skeptic about your ads for the Bose Acoustic Wave System in the past, but I finally tried it and it makes my Mexican dinners a regular fiesta!" That's 1-800-USA-BOSE. Heather MacKenzie is one of the most bewitching females I have ever met. Please let me keep my column, ma'am. Group W, a Westinghouse Broadcasting Station.